18.6.15

low {a photo shoot}



song by sleeping with sirens
lyric shoots by the oh-so brilliant adi

~


should i use my heart or my head?
i wish that i could just replay the thoughts of things i never said.
should i use my heart or my head?
i wish that i could just turn back the time or start over again.


but if we're laying it on the line this time,
i better say this now.


you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
cause i've tried so hard to convince myself
it's okay that i feel this way.
you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
if i can't have you i'd be by myself,
cause you know i need you so.
don't make me,
don't make me
feel low.


so tell me why did it take
twenty-six years to figure out how to love,
just to throw it all away?
maybe if you'd been a little bit smarter,
maybe if you tried hard enough
i wouldn't question why i shouldn't stay.


you expect me to come back around,
you better show me that you've changed.


you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
cause i've tried so hard to convince myself
it's okay that i feel this way.
you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
if i can't have you i'd be by myself,
cause you know i need you so.
don't make me,
don't make me.


don't make me walk out the door,
don't you throw it away.
don't make me,
don't make me.
cause i'm leaving for good
and i'm not coming back again.


when i said it was over i meant it,
but now i can't let you go.
but still i can't accept that
you make me feel so,
you make me feel so low.


you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
cause i've tried so hard to convince myself
it's okay that i feel this way.
you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
if i can't have you i'd be by myself
cause you know i need you so.


you make me feel low,
don't make me feel so.
cause i've tried so hard to convince myself
it's okay that i feel this way.
you make me feel low,
don't make me feel low.
if i can't have you i'd be by myself
cause you know i need you so,
you know i need you so.

~

this song wasn't chosen randomly out of a hat, lads.

there's a reason.

and that reason is because i'm so, so close to being done. not because i don't like dolls. god, not at all like that. i love my dolls to pieces. and photography, too. and no matter what, i do love you guys, too. but lately i've felt like crap being on here.

and i'm this close to just packing my things and getting the heck out of here.

i can't be myself on here, no matter what i say i'm gonna do and no matter how hard i try. my blog is slowly becoming your blog. what i like posting you guys don't, who i am is someone none of you want to accept, and i'm sick of it. just sick of it. i came here to be myself, not feel like a prisoner. i'm sorry i don't use exclamation points a lot. i'm sorry i don't always post cute little pictures of my dolls in bright colors and pigtails. i'm sorry i don't have bright and uplifting photo stories. i'm sorry i like bands. i'm sorry i come across as a pessimistic teenager that hates everyone. i'm sorry, okay? is that what you want? an apology? then there ya go. do with it what you will.

i try to tell myself that it's okay that i feel trapped and limited to only certain kinds of posts and pictures, songs i use for shoots, and so on. but in reality, no one, and i mean no one, should have to feel this way. ha, i probably come across as ridiculously rude in this post. sorry about that, too.

i'm sorry about everything, really.

i want you all to know that i really don't want to leave--i love blogging, and it has become a very important part of my life over this past year or so. maybe a break would do me good? not sure i'd make it through a break though. i'd miss it too much. without this blog, i'd be nothing.

but with this blog, i'm nothing, too. there just isn't a happy medium. huh?

know that it certainly isn't every one of you that's made me feel like this over time. maybe none of you even did anything and i'm just a sensitive peasant. who knows?

it could easily be the latter.

but regardless, i'm seriously considering leaving. i'm just not sure how much longer i can deal with this. again, no matter what i love you guys, this just had to be said.

-maddie

if you want to talk to me personally, you can email me at meganandmaddieag@gmail.com.

qotd: have you ever felt trapped?

45 comments:

  1. The photos of Archer are absolutely stunning! The lyrics go really well with the photos, too :)

    I am so sorry that you feel trapped into posting a certain genre/style of posts--I honestly hope I was not part of making you feel that way, and if so, please forgive me and I never would want anyone to ever feel that way. I will miss you terribly if you make the decision to leave, but I will respect your decision either way.
    ~Shelby

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    Replies
    1. thank you, shelby. :) <3

      no, it certainly wasn't you, mate. :3 you never fail to make me smile, shelby, and i love you to pieces. thanks for being there. <3

      -maddie

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  2. Those pictures are so brilliant just wow <3
    And the song is beautiful too. ^_^

    I'm sorry you're feeling horrible. I wish I could think of something to say that would help, but I seriously don't know what to say.
    What I do have though is don't apologize for who you are. You are one of the sweetest, most genuine bloggers in this community, and I thank you for that. You are so ridiculously talented and amazing, you don't even know. But you shouldn't have to feel trapped. I would hate to see you go, but you certainly don't deserve to feel that way, and if that's what you need to do, even if it's just a break to step back for a while, we all understand. I really hope you feel better soon. <3

    ReplyDelete
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    1. thank you so very much, kels. ^_^ <3

      aww, thank you for saying that. yeah, (this is not meant to sound self-centered) it's really not fair that people have to feel this way. it's really a horrible feeling. thanks for being there, mate. <3

      -maddie

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  3. I'm really sorry that you feel that way Maddie. I just wanted to tell you that your blog has inspired me so much. Back then when I first found your blog and still now. If you leave, I'd be heartbroken. And I think that the others would be too. You are such a huge part of the blogging community in my eyes. And you are such a big inspiration to everyone. I look up to you. You can do whatever you want on YOUR blog. Don't be someone you aren't. No matter what there are going to be haters. And there are going to be people who LOVE your stuff no matter what. Just thought I'd tell ya that. ;)
    -Leah

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    1. aw, thanks leah. <3 you've always been such a sweetheart, and i thank you for that. i'm honestly flattered beyond words to know that you think of me as an inspiration. ^_^ heheh, thank you so very much, leah. <3

      -maddie

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  4. DON'T BE SORRY! DO NOT BE F***ING SORRY!
    Do what you want, be who you are, and say what needs to be said.
    Screw the super sheltered fundies. If they don't like it, they can leave. Your true friends will stay. You can't please everyone, Maddie, so you might as well please yourself.

    It seems, from the "I am nothing" thing, that you are wanting to be more unique. I'm not quite sure how to do that. Write down everything that comes to mind, even if it will bother people? Don't censor yourself?
    It's like how some people can't stand decaf coffee. In the decafination process some of the goodness is lost. Maybe you should leave in your caffeine.
    (That was a horrible analogy, but do you get it?)

    You can poke the entire AG fandom with a stick, and it will f***ing Rip. You. Apart. But the tiny stone of pure Maddie greatness at your core will endure.
    (You know, we hope.)
    Im afraid of it too. The AG fandom has a very stifling, conditional love. I don't want to get clawed.

    You do need a break. Catch your breath. Get away from the sticky sweetness.

    I'm going to step back into my little bubble of ignorance now, if that's all right with you.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. gwen, you're amazing. this comment was perfect. <3
      that's exactly what i've been trying to get across--if they don;t like me then i really don't give a f*** if they unfollow or just stop reading my blog. i won't be offended, though it's like no matter how wrong they think i am they just won't leave. or at least, the feeling won't go away.

      i do. i really do. i mean, compared to most people on here (that are the ones that caused this little maddie mudslide), i am in fact unique. just can't really seem post anything different from what they want to see otherwise i'll get slammed. >.<

      i really like that analogy. it's wonderful. and yes, i do get it. ;)

      ha, no kidding. and i thought we were all here to be ourselves. >.<

      thanks for all the kind words, gwen. they really do mean a lot to me. :) <3

      -maddie

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  5. Maddie, DO WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU WANT.
    If one person doesn't like a type of post you do, then they don't have to read your blog when you do that kind of post. Not everybody has to read every kind of post. I sure as hell don't.
    I understand how your feeling trapped though. Unfortunately, I can't exactly give you advice.
    When I left my old blog, it was because I felt like I was putting myself in a box. Not the other way around.
    I hope you stay because I know how much this means to you. But just know I'll support you in whatever you decide. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. hehe, thanks j.
      yeah, i wish they understood that. >.< yep, i don't always read everything. then again, who does?
      no worries, mate. knowing i've got you is more than i could ever ask for. :3

      -maddie

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  6. YOU KNOW MY THOUGHTS ON THIS BUT IM GOING TO REPEAT THEM.
    You need to do whatever the crap you wanna do, and if some whiny flower children have a problem with it, well then screw them. They want everything to be pretty and perfect; but newsflash is the world is ugly and they better get used to people who cuss, aren't "cheerful," etc.
    You know I'm at my wits end with the Ag community as well with you (there'll be a lovely little rant on AGITS later) and I completely feel for you.
    It's fricking annoying not being able to do whatever the hell you want because you feel like others would disapprove.
    But at the end of the day, it comes down to realizing that you're amazing, your pictures are gorgeous, you're a bloody beautiful soul, and young kids just can't and won't understand. If they're going to get their pants in a wad because of what we post then so be it. They can go find some other flower child to read about.
    xo Adi

    ReplyDelete
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    1. i just wanted to thank you again for being there for me this entire time. :3 i don't know where i;d be without you, and you really are the greatest friend i could ever ask for. <3
      yeah, really, they should be thanking me for opening their eyes. ;) (just kidding--i'm maddie and that's what i do)
      ahh, yes, and your rant was perfect. people listen to you so much better than they do to me, that's for sure.
      it really is.
      aww, thanks adi. <3

      -maddie

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  7. These pictures are amazing, how can you make pictures in this lighting turn out so good? That was a great song, and a great message. Yes, I might have a problem with using a lot of exclamation marks but AG is one of the only things I get really excited about now.
    I really hope you stay, you are one of the most awesome bloggers that I have found and I respect how you have never taken breaks and have kept going! This is your blog, I really wish their was no hate at all in the AG community whether it was judging or being jealous of someone, I like that your blog is different and that you want to freely express your thoughts and interests. I hope that you do. I'm not great at expressing myself through written words and it's kind of hard to connect with people over just blog comments but all of you really do inspire me and it's a highlight of my day to read your posts :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. thank you. :) i just played around with my bedside lamp and a reflector for a while. ;) ag is certainly something to get excited about. :3
      aw, thank you so much. i wish so too--it's like false advertising. everyone makes it seem like the ag community is so great when in reality, people can't seem to keep themselves away from creating drama.
      i'm so very glad you like my blog and the way i want it to be run. :)

      -maddie

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  8. Maddie,
    I am so sorry that you feel this way. I sort of feel the opposite of you. I feel as if my blog is too bright and colorful, and I worry that people think of me as overly cheerful and fake. I have never felt annoyed that you post different things from what I post. I wouldn't like your blog if it wasn't unique. You definitely don't have to feel sorry about anything! I like how real you are online. You always speak your mind, your photography is stunning, and your blog is always going to be one that inspires me. Post whatever the heck you want, and I am sure that we will like it! Also know that if you go I will respect your decision, but I do hope that you stay because the blogging community won't feel complete without you.

    ~ Mint

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    1. i used to think that too, back when i first really got into blogging. i was about as sweet as it gets--but it was all a show. unfortunately, i'm not that good an actress. it means the world that you enjoy my blog and its content, it really does. <3 i thank you from the bottom of my heart, mint. :3

      -maddie

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  9. Maddie the pictures are amazing!

    Look just be yourself we will all love you and your blog anyway, also it's good to be different I can kind of relate to you because at school I hate everyone(except for my friends) blogger has people similar to me so I like it. When I wasn't blogging over the school year I was trying to be cool and fit in. But I have realized that I can just be me and blog and like AG dolls and ignore my mom telling me to grow up. Your blog should be a reflection of you so let it be that way. We will all still love it!

    P.S. I use too many exclamation points so believe me you don't have too:)

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    1. thank you. ^_^

      thank you for the kind words, mate. <3 so sorry to hear that your mom isn't that incredibly supportive of your hobby, but i'm glad you've realized that you can be yourself. :)

      hehe, i'm glad you make up for what i'm lacking. ;)

      -maddie

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  10. Amazing photos as always, Archer looks stunning.
    Don't leave, please! I don't care if you're not what people want you to be! I know I haven't been the most supportive, and I probably led you to believe you should leave, but you shouldn't. Please don't leave! Please! You have no idea how much I would miss you- and others will too! Don't leave! Be yourself. Just ignore all those people who tell you to change. I realize I was one of them. I'm so sorry Maddie. I'm so SO sorry!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. thank you, tenley.
      knowing the fact that this blog means the world to me, i probably won't end up leaving. at least not permanently, anyway. i'm flattered to hear you believe i'd be missed in the event of me leaving. i try to be myself, i really do. but i haven't exactly been getting the feeling that i'm welcome here. it's hard to ignore it, really hard, despite trying my hardest to for months--but that's tough for anyone to understand unless they've been there themselves. all i'm going to say is that it wasn't just you, mate, it's the community in its entirety. everyone expects doll bloggers to be a certain way and--oh, gosh, what a horrible thing it is for someone to be different. that's the vibe i've been getting. maybe i'm just crazy.

      -maddie

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  11. Good Lord, Maddie. I love when you're yourself - I think it's so much more fun to read, so much more thought-provoking, so much better. If people have issues with you being yourself, they obviously need to get on your level and start being as awesome as you. They also need to get a life and stop making others feel inferior. If you don't like then and the rock comes to the hard place, you can always block them or delete their comments or similar. You're one of my favorite people on here because you have so much personality, and when you're really you it feels like there's someone actually talking to me through the screen, not someone just throwing a bunch of pictures at me with a semi-fake smile like there is with some blogs. Don't let people control who you are - screw them, and be you, because who you are is freakin' amazing.
    If you need to take a short break, don't be afraid to. Perhaps a week or two to gather thoughts and come to terms with your blog and you and the situation would be relaxing. (Just a suggestion, though.)
    These pictures are stunning, btw. <3

    - Ellie

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    1. aww, ellie, you just made my day. i'm so bloody relieved knowing you like the real me. <3 oh, wow, i'm flattered to know that i'm one of your favorites *whispers* you're one of my favorite people, too--you're just so flipping perfect. ;) it means so very much to know that my "me" posts are more real. thank you, ellie. i mean it. ^_^ i love ya, mate. <3
      i'm glad to know you're there supporting me. ;) perhaps a break is exactly what i need.
      thank you. :3

      -maddie

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  12. DO WHAT EVER YOU F******* PLEASE.

    This is YOUR blog.
    I love it when yourself.
    The AG Fandom needs more people like you.
    Everyone is a rich, white, and hyperchristian girl.
    Personally, I'm Christian. But people don't need to spew bible verses all over their blog.
    They don't need to be all like: if your not christian {insert statement here}, etc.
    If people have problems with you, they can just LEAVE.
    Screw them.
    Don't give them a second thought.
    They need to get a life.

    ~Watermelon~

    btw amazing pics

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    1. watermelon, you. are. amazing. like holy balls. everything--every. single. thing--you said i agree with 100%. thanks for the incredible words of encouragement. :3 and thank you for the comment on my photos. ;)

      -maddie

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  13. This made me cry, Maddie. I don't even know what to say but please, never apologise for who you are. You're amazing, and wonderful, and such a kind person.
    I understand completely where you're coming from, you try so hard to conform to what you're "supposed" to be like, and that's making you turn further and further away from that idea, anyway, and eventually you can't cope anymore. I get it.
    I wrote a rant on AGDollDays about it, because if I said everything I wanted to, the comment would be about two feet long xD.
    Remember, if you want to talk or anything, I'm here for you .
    Charlotte

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    1. aww, charlotte, i never meant to make anyone cry, sorry to have made you. >.< aw, well thank you for saying that. :3
      yeah, it's a horrible feeling, huh? well, as bad a thing as it is, i'm very glad i've got you there who knows what it feels like.
      ahh, yes, and your rant was perfect. loved it. hehe, for the record, i wouldn't have minded a two foot long comment from you. xD
      thank you, charlotte. <3

      -maddie

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  14. I really, really hope that you don't stop blogging. At first I just wanted my blog to be G-rated and lovely and a collection of people of all ages being able to comment their thoughts. Obviously that was before I started blogging. When I did, I, like you, found that really the AG fandom is basically a place of fake smiles, fake feelings, and "I'm-really-trying-to-make-you-feel-like-an-idiot-but-I'm-trying-to-disguise-it-in-niceness-so-you-won't-hate-me".
    It's idiotic and not at all genuine, and it needs to stop.
    I'd like to thank both you and Adi for voicing that, and not being afraid to say it. I was actually not going to blog about this, but I'm now feeling inspired and will write a post about this immediately.
    Just so you know, I absolutely stand behind you. I'll email you soon. :)

    Kath
    XOXO

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    Replies
    1. i most likely won't unless something else happens that ticks me off, so you don't need to worry too much. ;) :3 yeah, i began blogging thinking that this was the nicest online community i've ever been a part of--my opinion of that has slowly but surely been changing. everything here is fake, yes, and that really bothers me. the ag community is supposed to be a place where girls and guys alike can come together and be themselves, sharing a common interests of dolls. that's pretty much the opposite of what it is in reality.
      it really does. i know i'm totally fed up with it, that's for sure.
      i think i speak for both of us when i say that we really just couldn't let this go any further. thank you for being so supportive, kath. :)

      -maddie

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  15. Maddie, you are you and if someone wants you to change because of that, forget them. There's a reason for everything, and people who hate are the ones who deserve the pity, because they have no idea. They blindly accuse and scream, yet they are the ones who are empty and lonely.
    Please don't feel trapped. And to be completely and perfectly honest, I prefer "darker" posts more than ones that you can tell are utterly fake, yet are full of vivid, neon colors and bursting with cheerfulness. Not that they're all bad, no, they're great. Some you can tell that the happiness comes from within.
    I love your posts, Maddie. And if you do leave, yeah, I'll miss you. Oh yeah. Not only is your photography one-of-a-kind, you actually want to get a message across. I support that.
    But when it all boils down, do what you want. Other people can hate all they want, but you are you, and there is no, nobody else on this planet like you. Be genuine, because this world could use a tad bit more of that. And Maddie, above else, stay true to yourself.
    Rock on, girl <3

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    1. thank you for saying that, autumn. :) i'm very glad to hear that you actually prefer my "darker" posts, for they are indeed what i prefer posting--there's so much more emotion you can get through those. ahh, yes, you can probably plainly see which posts of mine are fake. ;) i love taking photos, and every shoot i do has at least a small ounce of happiness coming from it, but often what i have to say in the post itself is complete trash. thank you, it means a lot hearing that. :3
      thanks, autumn.

      -maddie

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  16. Replies
    1. *virtual hugs back*

      -maddie

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  17. I love the way the lighting casts shadows above her eyelashes...perfect!
    It's always good to get your feelings out. You seem like a really creative person and that part will never go away. Sometimes a break is good if something feels too suffocating. It's a hard thing to shake off that "try to please everyone" since we are pretty much brainwashed that from the moment we are born. We are expected AND REWARDED for pleasing our parents, friends, teachers etc.
    Your own personal happiness is all that really should matter to you as that is the only happiness you can control and no other human being should ever ask you to act or be a certain way in order for THEM to be happy. That is their own job.
    Always listen to your emotions and if you don't want something, focus on what you DO want. Go from there...good luck!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. thank you. ^_^
      that's very true, and i've always been someone that aims to please others. thanks for the kind words. :)
      thank you. <3

      -maddie

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  18. I forgot to tell you how gorgeous Archer is when you got her, Maddie. Congrats!! And theses photos really are lovely. <3

    Maddie, I'm sorry you feel trapped in blogging. It's not okay for others to make you feel like you have to change their blog for them. This blog isn't theirs, it's yours. And if they have a problem with that, then they need to back the heck off. Don't stop doing what makes you happy when blogging. If these lyric photoshoots make you happy, then dear lord, continue to do them. If they have an issue with it, then they should not read your posts.

    Maddie, there's absolutely nothing wrong with you or your blog. You're an amazing person, and I am so grateful that I have gotten to know you. Don't let others change you. EVER. Alright dear?

    Let us know if you need anything ----> ginnyandjune@gmail.com
    ~Ginny

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    1. i agree, she's gorgeous. :3 thank you, ginny. :)

      thanks, mate. hehe, you've definitely got it all right--people need to learn to just leave. >.<

      aw, well thank you. :3

      -maddie

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    2. Of course. :)
      ~Ginny

      Delete
  19. I wrote a long reply but it didn't publish. Let's just say I cried when you commented on my blog, I cried when you put my button on your blog. To my friends, you are described as my my best online friend. You, Maddie, my long time inspiration. My long time favourite blog. He blog that has been saved to my favourites bar for years, the reason behind MY blog. Thankyou, Maddie.
    E xox

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    1. And yes, everyone feels trapped and sick of everything at one point in their life. You just need to learn to roll with it.

      Delete
    2. oh, i hate when i write a comment and it doesn't publish. >.< quite annoying, huh?

      aw, it means the world to me to hear that i'm your inspiration, ella. it really does. :3 thanks for the sweet comment. <3

      -maddie

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  20. I'm really sorry that you feel this way, Maddie. I hope that it wasn't me that made you feel like this. I just wanted to let you know that I love and read each and every one of your posts, even if I don't comment sometimes. I would really hate for you to stop blogging just because some people don't like what you do. Never stop doing what makes your little heart happy. I just hate fake people and I'd take one of your posts over a glittery fake one any day. You're the reason I aspire to be a photographer one day. Even though my photos are really crappy, I still take my camera out and practice every day because you've inspired me. You've changed so many people's lives, Maddie, and I'm positive you'll continue to keep changing them in the future. So don't stop being you just for those few people out there that don't like what you're doing. I mean, it is YOUR blog after all.

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    1. oh, no, micaela, it wasn't you. <3 thank you, it means a ton. ^_^ i'm very glad to hear that you prefer my posts over the fake ones, for i do try to make them enjoyable, even if it's just a few photos for people to look at. aww, your photos aren't crappy, and i'm absolutely flattered to hear that i have inspired you. <3 thank you for the comment, it made my day. ^_^

      -maddie

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  21. So since I'm just catching up on all my posts, everyone has already taken the words right out of my mouth, so use their advice, it's good. :)
    It's easy to feel pressured to do what everyone else wants you to do, but they shouldn't be able to make choices for you. Even though it may not seem like it at times, someone out there loves what you REALLY do, not the stuff that everyone else wants you to do. I feel sometimes that I need to keep my blog professional and stuff, but who cares though? Not me! If someone doesn't like what you do, then they can pack up and find a different blog that suites their interest, because YOU can do what YOU want to do.
    *hugs*

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  22. Fabulous post. The lyric post representation and incorporating post-it notes if perfect. Your model looked stunning.

    Please continue to do what you want on your blog. What you do, you do so very well. Very inspiring.
    ~Xyra

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  23. Eatin strawberry chocolate right now. I virtually give you some. It's better than it sounds.
    Orleansagdoll

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