28.8.15

{tell me i'll never be good enough}


don't wake me up if i'm sleeping this life away,
tell me i'll never be good enough.
sometimes it hurts to think it could really be that way...

it won't be that way.

~

i need to explain some things.

life has thrown a lot of sh*t my way these past few weeks, and my anxiety about beginning high school doesn't make it any easier. however, that doesn't make my behavior acceptable.

i'm sorry for how i reacted to losing four followers in a few hours because of that questionable post. i really am. it made me seem self centered, passive aggressive, and ungrateful...like all i cared about was the numbers. i won't lie about how it felt/feels, though, because quite frankly, it hurt. it really hurt. believe it or not, i put a heck of a lot of time, effort, and money into this blog, and to see that people just don't care made me upset. no one ever loses that many followers that quickly in this community, a community where it seems as though everyone loves everyone back and are always kind. but that doesn't justify how i handled the situation. neither does how i've been feeling lately/the slump i've been in, so don't think i'm trying to do just that when explaining.

as you probably know, i'm extremely hard on myself about everything. if i don't achieve a certain goal of mine/don't do something as well as i think i could've, i beat myself up over it (mentally, of course—i have never, ever physically hurt myself on purpose, and i don't want you think i do). i'm extremely sensitive and can't handle being yelled at, and, well...things happen, you know? things you can't control, but those things are big things that are difficult to cope with. and i don't know about you, but i always pin the blame on me even if i didn't do anything wrong—like i could've done something to stop it.

i made my blog private for a little over a day for a few reasons. the first one is a bit full-of-it, but i wanted to see who would actually care/notice if i left. the answer was three people, excluding the one or two people that i gave a heads up to. i just want to say thank you to those three people, because it really means a lot that you would go so far as to shoot me an email or drop a comment on another blog of mine. <3 the second reason was a test for myself—to see if i could make it without blogging/having my blog. the answer to that one is not really, but i could if i had to. this upcoming school year is going to be crazy for me, and my blog isn't going to be a top priority. school comes first, then friends, then blogging. it pains me to say that posts will dwindle down to only a few a month, but it's what's going to have to happen. the third and final reason, though it might fall under the second reason, was because everything is so freaking crazy right now and i really just couldn't stand to deal with anyone or anything.

in the long run, what i'm trying to say is that i have a lot on my plate, and it's really overwhelming. it caused me to act in a totally unacceptable manor, and for that i felt the strong need to apologize. i also feel that you need to know what's going on in my life right now, because you deserve to know what's going on. at least a vague idea of it, anyway. but yeah. my life is tough right now. life's an unfair game to play, it really is.

-m

27 comments:

  1. Lovely post Maddie. Honestly.
    I understand that there's a lot going on right now; obviously, I'm going through some of it with you. I really admire the way you handle some things though. Me? I just kind of sit there like the big emotional mess I am because I'm not the best at handling life.
    So, I just want to say, for probably the millionth time, that I love your posts and the fact that you have your own style. Not everybody is going to appreciate it/support it, but just know that I always will. <3

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    1. thanks so very much, j. <3
      yeah, this is a big change for us all. ah, man, i suck and handling life. i usually just give up oops.
      thank you from the bottom of my jet black heart. ;) :3

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    2. N problem! :)

      Handling life sucks. If you don't mind, I might have to just give up too.

      "Jet Black Heart" - I SAW WHAT YOU DID THERE! *points finger* That song is so fucking good! XD

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    3. we can give up together. start the "i give up" club.

      UGH YES IT IS I FINALLY FOUND IT TODAY (it took a lot of searching and backlinks) AND IT'S PROBABLY MY NEW FAVORITE 5SOS SONG ASDFGHJKL

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  2. aw Maddie I'm so sorry you feel like this. <3 I'm so sorry about you losing followers. I love you blog so much, and I can tell you put a lot of effort into it. I hope things get better for you. :)

    ~J

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    1. thanks jenni. <3 nah, that's not a big deal really, i just made it seem like one because of my mood and just...life. thanks so, so much. :3

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  3. I think your blog is amazing, Maddie! I would never unfollow you. I know you put a lot of effort into it and I really appreciate that. Hope things get better for you!

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    1. thanks so much, clara. :3

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  4. Sometimes it can feel incredibly cleansing to just take a step back from it all. Don't worry if you only post a little bit.
    Also, don't ever feel like you have to apologize for your emotions. For what you did based on those emotions, maybe. But for the emotions themselves? Never.

    - Ellie

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    1. it really can, even if it's just for a day. thanks. :3 and thanks again for being such a wonderful friend, ellie. <3

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  5. Totally understand. I was really worried you had the blog unavailable to people on purpose. Thank goodness! Sending love and cake.

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    1. thank you, ella. <3 oh, and the cake was devine. ;)

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  6. Anonymous28.8.15

    *hugs*
    I don't get to comment on your posts as often as I'd like to, which really I feel bad for because everything about them; the photos, your talks, the lyrics, is perfect. I'm just not good with words like other people are, and as much as I wish I could, I don't think anything I say could help your situation all that much.
    All the same, I'm really sorry life is overwhelming right now for you. Please don't beat yourself up because you think you aren't good enough for the community. I get what you mean about the numbers, though. I mean, of course it isn't ALL about the followers, but watching the numbers fall when you're trying your hardest to keep both your life and blog together is discouraging as hell. It's like losing a friend almost, like all of a sudden you're not good enough for them. It's the worst.
    Honestly though, I don't get to say this enough to ANYONE, but I felt like I needed to say it now; I'm proud of you and I'm really glad you're still here in spite of everything going on right now. You're such a talented person, and one of the bravest bloggers in the community for being able to say things that no one else would have the guts to say or post things no one could ever dream of posting.
    I hope you feel better very soon. <3
    ~k

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    1. *hugs back*
      wow, thank you so much—you made my day, k.
      i agree, it is like losing a friend, especially when one of the unfollowers was someone that i have been internet friends with for about a year now. </3 so in that sense, i really did lose a friend.
      thank you so, so very much, your words really mean a lot to me. i don't know what else to say besides thank you...<3 have a lovely weekend. :}

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  7. I think I'll start off this comment by saying I did notice you had your blog on private and I checked multiple times last night to see if it was taken off private. I thought maybe you did it as a mistake, but I didn't think you did. I knew something must have been going on. I wanted to email you, but I couldn't remember what your email was and I didn't even think about commenting on one of your other blogs.

    I would never, ever unfollow you, Maddie. :)

    I started high school on Monday and I had so much anxiety and stress about it. I have had a lot happen to me this week and I don't know what to do. A lot has changed since last school year and I don't handle change very well. Also, I have to tell my parents something and I am so extremely nervous and I might end up leaving the doll community if it doesn't go well. AMD I JUST JOINED IT A FEW WEEKS AGO.

    That picture is beautiful and I love the lyrics. After I read them, I went and googled them so see what song they're from, listened to the song, and fell in love with it. I have it stuck in my head now.

    I hope high school is good to you, Maddie. Don't worry about not having much time to post. We all understand that you're busy and every post of yours is worth the wait. <3

    -Annie

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    1. aww, annie, thank you. :3 don't worry about not remembering my email, it is kind of tricky to remember because it's not just "dollsonmymind".

      i do hope the things that have happened to you this past week were good things. <3 and i wish you the very best of luck talking to your parents, and i hope you don't have to leave the community.

      i'm so glad you like the song! it really is a good one.

      thank you so much, i hope the same for you. :3

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    2. I hope it goes well for you, Annie, love. <3 Just remember that we'll always support you, no matter what happens with your parents.

      - Ellie

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  8. Maddie, I'm so sorry. I totally get how overwhelming life can be, but it gets better. <3 And if you can't post as much, that's totally fine.

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    1. thank you, charlotte. <3

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  9. Oh Maddie, people have said such nice things in these comments and I don't think I can top them. Sorry :) I'm rubbish with words but I just want you to know that I'm proud of you for being able to keep your head held high and post your thoughts and your perspective on the world through the eyes of your dolls and just brush off those haters. I'm also going through an extremely rough patch in my life right now (heath issues) and I admire you for still being able to post great quality posts even though your are going through a similar situation with starting high school. It may not seem like our two situation link but I think they do =) You are definitely a distinct voice in the AG blogging community and thank you for spreading your maddieness to everyone even if they don't want to accept it :) Now I hope you can understand this comment
    if not then here's a summary: I love you and your blog and will hopefully always be here to read your incredible posts :-*
    -Lydia
    http://dollyfernfriends.blogspot.co.nz

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    1. oh dear, i hope your health problems get better! <3 i'm trash at words too, and all i can manage to say is thank you. thank you so, so much. i love you too, lydia. :}

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  10. Oog.
    If someone talked this at me in real life I would probably stare at them wondering what the heck you say to make someone feel better.
    And then I would hide in my Gwen Bubble and think of all the things about "yes! I feel like that too. The hating being yelled at bit, and even being told "please don't" makes me feel aaaagh I'm horrible and the regretting tons of the things I say and it gets all tight in my throat and the pit of my stomach and those things I feel awful over probably don't matter but it hurts to think about. Even being less than awesome in P.E. gets me to the bad "holy shit Gwen u r horrible why did you say that why didn't you catch the ball why on EARTH did you say that." Place.
    AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL THOSE THINGS ABOUT AS MUCH AS I WANT ME TO FEEL THOSE THINGS.
    But I don't know how to not do that.
    And for the record, I don't think you're horrible for being a little biting towards the unfollowers or otherwise.

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  11. Maddie-
    I am going into 8th grade on Monday and I am friggin terrified. I don't fit in. Not a lot of people who like dolls do. I thought I was following you this whole time, and panicked when I realized I wasn't.
    You said not a lot of people noticed when you put your blog on private. I was at an amusement park Yesterday, being social for a few hours, and passed out right afterwards. Just to let you know, I check your blog every day, with an exception to days like Yesterday, to see if you have posted something new.
    You are the only reason I don't crawl in a hole for days when I can.
    I understand your anxiety about school. There is a girl at my school who is mean to me everyday (i.e, stealing my things, verbally abusing me, and even hurting me), and I found out she is in my homeroom.
    Don't worry if you lost followers. It was there loss.

    Lilly

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  12. The other day I saw you posted in my feed and I tried clicking on the post, it just led me to a blogger website down page and I thought you had deleted this blog! I then realized it was on private, so, I thought maybe it was a blogger problem and checked the next day and thankfully everything was fine again. I hope everything gets easier or better for you.

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  13. I would NEVER unfollow you!!! You're one of the best bloggers ever!!! I have other favorites, but I won't say them right now...
    As for starting high school, I went through SO much anxiety when I entered my new school. And I'm still in elementary school!!!

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  14. This has taken me forever to write because I'm crap with words and most of the time I don't know what to say, but I'll try my best.
    First of all, five followers is a lot to lose over one post, and I think anyone would be upset by it and rant about it a bit so there's no need to be sorry and you didn't come across as only caring about the numbers or anything like that.
    I completely completely understand about beating yourself up every time something bad happens or doesn't work out right, I do it too. Don't stress about it too much though, even though it's hard, because you can't change the things that have already happened, and as Dan says, there's no point in worrying about the inevitable
    Also, for God's sake don't think everyone hates you. Like I said the other day, do whatever the fuck you want and stuff the ones who don't like it. You've got a whole load of people who'll stand by you and love you.
    Charlotte

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